I WANT A DIVORCE

     How many of you are feeling like that right now? You’ve been in quarantine for however long, the kids are constantly whining and fighting, not understanding why they can’t see their friends, or go anywhere, and your kids/husband have pretty much eaten EVERYTHING that you’ve stocked up on; AND, if it doesn’t stop raining (so you can throw the kids outside) you’re going to lose your mind…sound familiar!?! Welcome to adulthood. Adulting can be a roller coaster; a jaggedy, wooden roller coaster…the kind you wish you could get off of, but you can’t, because the ride isn’t over yet; So instead, you throw your hands up and scream, and try to enjoy the ride.

      So I’m only kidding about the divorce part. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from adulting it’s that I cannot and do not want to do this life alone, ever!! I am by far the neediest human being I’ve ever met. I absolutely HATE doing anything alone! My relationship actually thrives when we’re together 24/7…hell, the first three years my husband and I were dating/engaged we worked together, almost daily. I can’t even sleep without being wrapped up in my husband…and let’s not even mention the fact that I’ve never mowed, washed my car, or taken my car to get an oil change...I better stop there, don’t judge me! But seriously.  I rarely even go to the bathroom alone. Privacy? I've had 2 c-sections and a hysterectomy by the age of 29; I've had a whole slew of strangers up in my privacy…I seriously don’t even know what that word means!

     But, being serious now, I do love every moment my little family can all be together. I love our pointless car rides after getting ice cream, and our walks and game nights. My favorite is doing absolutely nothing, all curled up on the couch, watching the newest release on Netflix. BUT, life isn’t always so perfect. There was a time when my husband was working 40 hours a week, mowing at least five other yards (mostly for widows), coaching baseball, going to “guy night” once a week, and active in our church (Logo’s, the vision team, a deacon, driving the church van)…ALL IN ONE SEASON! Man, I missed him. I missed us; our family time. He didn’t understand that because he was still here by 7:30-8:30 p.m. every night…but as a young, full time working mother of two young boys I felt as if I was DROWNING!! Like, mentally at times I felt like I was going to go insane. Have you ever needed just like 15 minutes of silence to yourself; or, wanted to take a nice, relaxing, 100 degree shower only to be greeted by a gust of cold air and your toddler wanting you to open a popsicle...after he just bypassed his father sitting on the couch! Like really?!? I really felt like I hated my husband from the lack of help he was giving me. Fifteen minutes…that’s all I need to myself; but Ephesians 4:2 reminded me to “always remain humble and gentle, patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of our love”. Ephesians 4:32 goes on to say “forgive one another, as God in Christ forgave you.” This is pretty much repeated in Colossians 3:13…Wow, God really wants us to forgive one another and not hold onto anger. It is literally repeated over and over in the bible; 1 Corinthians 13:5 says “love doesn’t keep a score of wrongs; love doesn’t bring up past failures.” So I let those feelings wash down the drain, without him even knowing how mad I was at him.

     I can’t help but think some WIVES always do this mom/adulting thing alone…I can barely survive my husband’s busy season!! I have to stop and give my husband some serious credit though. He’s gotten really good at helping me with laundry and dishes without being asked and always takes out the cats liter box and trash. I know some MARRIED  woman who do-it-all; work full time, clean, cook, all the household chores, mow, and take care of the demands of the children...and yet I am the one drowning? 1 Thessalonians 5:11 says “Encourage one another and build each other up.” God NEVER said figure it out, do it alone. I mean honestly, what is the point in being married if you’re a “single” mom, doing it ALL on your own? I certainly am not encouraging divorce…but seriously!! If you ever thought being alone was lonely…try having someone next to you and feel alone. 1John 3:18 says “Let us not love with words or speech, but with actions and in truth.” What good is I love you anyway when it’s only said and not felt?

     What if I told you that every trial, or feeling of emptiness, was Gods way of allowing you to experience the fullness of Christ? When we are at our lowest, God wants us to cast all of our worries and burdens on him. Psalm 120:1 says “I took my troubles to the Lord, I cried out to him, and he answered my prayer”. Do you ever think that God puts us on this roller coaster on purpose, so that we have no choice but to throw our hands up and scream out to him for help? Psalm 34:6 says “in my desperation I prayed and the Lord listened, he saved me from my troubles”. Could it really be that easy? If being saved from our troubles was as easy as giving them all to God, then why do we tend to run away from God when we’re at our lowest? BUT, I did just that, run. Suddenly I found myself flipping upside down through the loops on that awful wooden roller coaster…not at all what I was expecting!!

     I guess this is what doctors would call depression…or,postpartum depression. I would NEVER wish it on anyone!! It was seriously the loneliest guilt that I’ve ever felt in my life. I guess most would turn to a counselor, but I couldn’t bring myself to do that. What good could a stranger be to me? Are they really even listening...or just there for a paycheck? I couldn’t even get my husband to listen, or understand how I was feeling...and he’s free! I wasn’t about to be smacked with a bill...did i mention we were already pretty strapped paying anywhere from $723-$910 per MONTH in childcare!? And how about those drugs they try to put you on...have you heard the side effects of those?! Worsening depression, thoughts of suicide...umm, NO THANKS!! So I guess it’s just me, alone, in so much emotion. It didn’t matter how I tried to approach my husband about it, he wasn’t understanding and didn’t want to hear it...he worked all day, mowed all evening, he was hot, he was hungry, he was tired. I so badly needed a break too...but what good is a nagging wife anyway? And there it goes again...that roller coaster , through another upside down loop. Did I mention that I freakin HATE roller coasters?! And now i’m stuck on one that I can’t get off of! Yet, I don’t pray. I worked all day, did the mom/wife thing all evening and i’m tired. Mentally and physically.

     Honestly, I loved my husband. He is very patient and humble, very selfless and hardworking...but I definitely no longer felt in love with him. I have a few of the greatest friends a girl could ask for; but, what would they think if they knew my true feelings? They all love our little family too and I couldn’t handle anymore feelings of guilt. And God? He has NEVER failed me...how could I possibly pray to him about something like this; I definitely don’t want him to be disappointed in me...if he knew I was longing for a way out of this "contract" called marriage, I would be failing him. I did find someone to turn to. Not God, not my friends who have known me my entire life...but someone new. As much as I loved being able to talk to this person daily, almost all night long...it only was complicating things. It made me want a divorce even more...and they didn’t encourage it by any means.I was now in a world pool of emotions. One day I opened up pinterest and the very first quote that came to me was from Proverbs 29:11, it said “A fool vents all his anger, but a wise man holds it back”. Was God wanting me to see this? Was I being a fool by pouring out my heart unto this person, hoping they could save me? If only I knew then that God knows all of your thoughts and hears you even when you’re silent...even through your tears. But I didn’t pray. Instead, I was longing for attention, living with hate, and just trying to keep it all in and hold it altogether for my kids. I was literally running from God...and I hate running!

     My husband and I have been together 12 years now and I honestly can’t recall a time ever actually fighting (as in yelling) at one another...yet there were times I felt I hated him. Divorce honestly didn’t sound too bad...every other weekend alone, just what I needed, alone time from two toddlers! I obviously thought about this, maybe a little too much. But what if I'm never happy? What if the problem is me? What if I get a divorce and I never find someone to fill that void I am feeling and i’m stuck doing this life alone...just the thing I hate the most, being alone. And to hell if someone is going to tell strong willed me when I can and cannot see my kids!! I birthed them, taught them pretty much everything they know, and have sacrificed so much for them...that isn’t even an option!! My kids love their dad, and he deserves to be with them as much as I...yet that would mean too much alone time for me. I can count on ONE hand how many times I've been away from my kids overnight...it’s not something I could get use to. I can’t have kids anymore, it’s not even possible. Most men want their own kids (have you ever noticed within the first year of someone remarrying they are expecting?) What if any future man doesn’t accept my kids as his own because they are not his...my kids are great kids, I can’t even fathom that! They deserve nothing but the best...and I vow to always give them the best, even if that means I have to sacrifice.  Joel 2:25 says “God can restore what is broken and change it into something amazing, all you need is faith”. GOD I’M DONE. Forgive me if I've failed you, but I need you now more than ever...please just help me.

      God never promised that it would be easy; some days will be hard, and that is guaranteed in the bible, especially for Christians...but James 1:12 says “blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him”. A test? Could this be a test? If so I totally failed. 1 Corinthians 13:7 says “Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful and endures through every circumstance”. I sure didn’t feel appreciated or loved...but being the strong willed/competitive person that I am meant that I am not a quitter!! I’m going to win against this depression. If there is one thing I've learned it's don’t let your emotions be your decision maker. Stop and pray. Let God heal and lead you. YOU are in control of your ending. Romans 12:12 says “rejoice in hope, be patient in times of trouble, never stop praying. God sees that you are drowning, he just so happens to walk on water...yet to save yourself, you just have to reach your hand out to him so he can save you. If not, you will continue to drown. Isaiah 43:2 says “when you pass through the waters, I will be with you”. “Depend on the lord, trust him, and he will take care of you” – Psalm 37:5.

     This roller coaster ride will eventually come to an end, and when it does you’ll be happy to FINALLY be off. Ready or not, you may find yourself riding on another roller coaster, and when you do, don’t forget to take a deep breath, throw your hands up and scream (if you need to); try and enjoy the ride. Some are wilder than others, but they all come to an end eventually. Our God is mighty, he has a way of working things out...you-just-have-to-trust-him. 

     My husband eventually went to a new men's group at our church with some of his friends. I couldn’t be mad since it was something church related, although it meant another evening alone. It ended up not being what he was expecting...he didn’t like it. It was more of a marriage/divorce prevention type of thing. It was videos about how woman often carry the burdens of life, alone, while men continue to live their best life, going to the bar with friends and doing what they want, leaving their wives alone to do it all pretty much. He didn’t like that it was basically criticizing men. But it was the truth!! He didn’t quit going though, and eventually the light bulb finally clicked! All of those times I was trying to talk to him, it finally made sense to him. God was that you? You work in mysterious ways! You have yet to fail me, even when I feel I have failed you; you are a unfailing God. Divorce rarely happens because of the lack of communication...but from the lack of understanding or expectations.

     If you’re still reading this, I hope you fall in love with someone who never stops choosing you. I hope you find the courage to cast all of your wishes and burdens on the Lord because he hears and cares for you. NEVER stop praying for your spouse and family. Mark 11:24 says “Therefore, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours.”

     I am convinced that without God my marriage would have failed. If you don’t agree, then I bet you are currently unhappy, divorced, or have been divorced. I cannot even get through the day without God, how could I possibly do “until death do us part” without him? And about that, if you’re pondering divorce, remember “until death do us part”. What is meant to be yours you will not have to force, and what is no longer meant to be GOD will part. Matthew 19:6 says “therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate”. “God makes everything work out according to his plan (Ephesians 1:11)”.

     Perhaps you crossed paths with someone and the timing just wasn’t right. Why must God cause that heartache? Perhaps he’s laying a foundation for what’s to come later. Are you ready? Maybe you’ve been praying and trying so hard to find “the one”, and you just haven’t yet. Ecclesiastes 3:11 says “trust God’s timing”. It is better to wait long and have things fall into place according to Gods will, than to settle and have things falls apart. You cannot rush or force something if you want it to last forever. Believe that God is preparing the way, and he is now preparing you....are you listening? Don’t focus on finding the right person, focus on becoming the right person. Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end. Perhaps that someone God is preparing for you will be a widow with children...are you ready for that kind of baggage? Maybe their story isn’t over yet, which is why you are still in waiting. Remember, God is not in a hurry, you are. It’s why you’re anxious and angry. Proverbs 19:21 says “many are the plans in a mans heart, but it is the Lords purpose that prevails”. God is still writing your story; don’t lose faith because of what you have yet to see.

     Perhaps you are reading this and are divorced. If you are feeling as if you have failed your family or God rest assured that you are not a failure. Our God is a loving God; you have already been forgiven. Lamentations 3:31-33 says “for no one is cast off by the Lord forever. Though he brings grief, he will show compassion. So great is his unfailing love”. “Don’t mistake Gods patience for his absence; his timing is perfect, and his presence is constant, he is always with you (Deuteronomy 31:6)”. Declare today, God not my will but yours be done. Matthew 21:22 is asking “have you prayed about it as much as you have talked about it?” Go in peace today knowing that God knows your thoughts and hears your prayers...he is just waiting on you to reach out to him so he can help you.

                                               Amen

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God gave me you: https://youtu.be/uGXHWqlH_dc