Halloween Stigma

Recently I was having dinner with my children and one of their 10 yr old friends showed up to join us. He is from a different cultutre than us, but we all proclaim to be christian and worship the same God. We got on the subject of the upcoming holiday Halloween, when the friend asked me "do you think you are going up or down", I replied "do you mean to heaven or hell", he smiled and said "I dont know, what do you think"? I of course knew what he was referencing as this particular culture is quite shunning of the Halloween holiday; they make it very clear they don't celebrate, they allow their kids to skip school on that day and wont allow them to even eat candy associated with Halloween. I never quite understood those things, as I grew up baptist and they can be quite strict in their ways of thinking also. We still participated in trick or treating, often visiting trunk or treats at churches, we visited Santa and knew the Easter Bunny. I learned the true meaning of Christmas and Easter, but I have never learned the origin of Halloween.

I truly enjoy the company of this child who chooses to come down at random to have dinner and visit with us, so I tried to take no offense to the shunning nature of his question. As a child you only know what you've been taught, and to him celebrating Halloween is a huge sin, because that is what he's been brainwashed to believe. So i smiled and said "well, I want to belive that I will go "up" when it is my time", but I also defended myself by saying "we don't 'celebrate' Halloween". We dont decorate, we dont worship the devil, nor do we ever dress up as anything evil. To me, Halloween is a little piece of childhood innocence that ends way too soon. 

We have dressed up as a family since Camden was born and Jerrick was 2 yrs old; its something I've enjoyed doing as a family and am sad knowing it will be coming to an end soon. We gather together with friends and go trick or treating around the neighborhood. We meet up with family for soup and chilli. My neighborhood is mostly retired, and to see the happiness on the 80+ year olds faces when they see the kids dressed up makes me happy. Several of our neighbors have died in recent years, one is 98 and this will probably be his last halloween passing out candy; another one of our favorite elders fell and broke his leg and we learned his wife is in the nursing home with dementia. It breaks my heart to know their house wont have a light on this year. Last year they said "come back" after our kids got their candy, so we circled the neighborhood and went by their house again to give them a laugh. I didn't realize at that moment that it may be the last time we ever see them again. 

So what's so bad about this Halloween holiday? I've never participated in or witnessed any sinful nature by participating in it. When I've asked other christians who dont celebrate it, they never give me a direct answer, its always along the lines of it's associated with witch craft, or as a christian you shouldn't participate in it...but I've never got a reason why.

As an adult I've made it a mission of mine to study the history behind the holiday. Not only that, but I've made it a mission of mine to study the bible, to know the word, so that I may know and believe in what was written and not what was chosen to be told to me. Afterall, 2 Timothy 4:3-4 says "A time is coming when people will no longer listen to sound and wholesome teaching. They will follow their own desires and will look for teachers who will tell them whatever their itching ears want to hear. They will reject the truth and chase after myths." I want to know what the bible says...so what exactly does it say about Halloween?!?

NOTHING! There is "nothing" in the Bible about Halloween, that is because Halloween (like Santa and the Easter Bunny) is man made. It started about 2,000 years ago in Europe. The Celtic people believed that on this day, the souls of the dead would come back and visit home, so they dressed up and lit bonfires to ward off ghosts. The celebration is called Samhain and is actually celebrated November 1st, but they would kick off the celebration on October 31st. The holiday was originally created to celebrate the end of harvest and the start of a new year. The word Samhain literally means "summers end". So what about this symbolizes witch craft and sin? Well, as years went on, people of the community held balls (dances) called "witches balls", they believed that since the souls were returning to earth that day they could dance with them again. Woman, mostly younger woman, would seek out mediums and turn to the spirits to seek out their futures, mostly to see what their future love life would be like...and THAT is how Halloween became associated with witch craft. So what does the bible say about witch craft?

Leviticus 19:31 says "do not defile yourselves by turning to mediums or to those who consult the spirits of the dead. I am the Lord your God."

The book of Isaiah says in chapter 8:19-20 "should not a people inquire of God? Why consult the dead on behalf of the living? Consult God's instruction and the testimony of warning. If anyone does not speak according to this word, they have no light of dawn."

As a christian you MUST believe that spirits exist, if you don't you are essentially denying that you believe in God because the bible itself says that God is the holy spirit. John 4:24 says "God is spirit and they that worship him must worship him in spirit and in truth." So we know that they do exist, but we are told to not call upon anyone but God. Easy enough.

The bible also says in 1 John 4:1-1 "Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God, because many false prophets have gone out into this world." 

How can you test a spirit? The bible says "the voice of God will never contradict the word of God". The bible warns in 2 Corinthians 11:14-15 "Satan himself disguises himself as an angel of light; it is not surprising then, if his servants also disguise themselves as servants of righteousness". The only way to know the difference between what is right and wrong (according to God), is to study the bible.

Proverbs 6:16-19 says "there are six things the Lord hates, seven that are detestable to him:  haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands that shed innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness who pours out lies and a person who stirs up conflict in the community." 

What i'm trying to say is that if dressing up with your children, or your children dressing up to get mounds of teeth rotting candy may cause you to be led into temptation, to worship the devil or participate in witch craft or commit other sins...THEN I understand why you should not participate in Halloween, and whether you have a reason or not, i respect whether you do or dont do Halloween. But as for me and my house, we serve the Lord and have a pretty solid foundation in our faith, so we don't need to be told why we should or shouldn't do things. I feel confident that dressing up as football players and meeting up with friends/family and nicely asking for candy is not going to cause us to commit sin. What does the bible consider sin anyway?

God gives 10 commandements in Deuteronomy 10:4 on how you should live life, and breaking these would be considered a sin; they are as follows: 

"Thou shall have no other Gods before me; Thou shall not make unto thee any graven images (idols); Thou shall not say the Lord they God's name in vain; Remember the sabbath day and keep it holy; Honor thy mother and thy father; Thou shall not kill; Thou shall not commit adultery (cheat on their spouse); Thou shall not steal; Thou shall not bear false witness against thy neighbor (lie); and Thou shall not covet (envy)."

These are sins. The bible says it is also a sin when you know it's a sin yet do it anyway. Not that i feel like I have to explain my "why" to a 10 year old, but this is why I let my christian children participate in Halloween. There is no sin being committed. No devil worshipping or witch craft activity on our end. Choosing to do those things is a personal choice. On the day of judgment you will not be held accountable for the sins of others, only for your own. So what others may choose to do on this day is not my problem...there is so much evil in the world and in my opinion we can only shelter our kids from it for so long. We must train up our children in the way they should go in hopes that they wont depart from it. Sheltering them from the world does not prepare them for the reality they will one day face.

I think the reason i feel compelled to write this is because there is such a bad stigma behind christians. I've heard from several people that they don't go to church because it's full of a bunch of hypocrites...and that may be the harash truth! But, Mark 2:17 says "healthy people dont need a doctor - sick people do. I have come to call not those who think they are righteous, but those who know they are sinners." 

Therefore, yes, the church is essentially full of sinners. But who are you to judge when we all walk imperfectly? The problem within churches is with the false christians that scriptures have warned about. If the reason you turned away from church was because of people, were you really there for God? I get it, but at the same time, you are judging them too, holding them to a perfect, unpredictable, standard. The bible says all will fall short and no one will be perfect except God, so to say they're hypocrites isn't fair.

Matthew 23:8-10 says "Dont let people do that to you, put you on a pedestal like that. You all have a single teacher, and you are all classmates. Dont set people up as experts over your life, letting them tell you what to do. Save that authority for God; let him tell you what to do. No one else should carry the title of Father, you have only one Father, and he is in heaven. And dont let people maneuver you into taking charge of them. There is only one life leader for you and them - Christ."

The moral of this blog is that Halloween is what you make it. If you learn to listen to the "why" we participate verse just responding because you dont agree, you may realize that being a Christian is a lot like being a pumpkin. God picks you from the patch, brings you in and washes off all the dirt. Then he cuts the top off and scoops out all the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate and greed. Last, he carves you a new smiling face and puts his light inside of you to shine for all the world to see. - author unknown

Go shine your light this Halloween, and focus on being the reason someone elses light shines a little brighter too.

2022 Season

Our 2022 baseball season has officially come to an end! My husband has been coaching multiple sports for about 5 years now and I feel the older the kids get, the less coachable they become...no wonder it's so hard to find coaches!! But I have to say, this 2022 season has been the best one yet. All of the kiddos on our team were so sweet and respectful, and their parents were amazing. Not only did they cheer and help build their player up, but they did the same for every-single-one of our kiddos this season and it's been a true blessing gaining them as friends. We had quite a young team this year; one of our players has never played in his life, one just turned 8 the first week of June, atleast 3 others are still only 8 and we only had one 4th grader who has played kid pitch before...not to mention we never had more than 10 players (we even started one game with just 7)...but these boys ALWAYS showed up ready to play and gave it their all! There were times we didn't stand a fighting chance with only 2 outfielders, but they fought so incredibly hard to come back and win, or tie the game. Even with the odds against them, they never gave up and that mentality, at such a young age, is simply amazing!

We played our last regular season game on Friday, June 17th and lost by 2, which tied us for 3rd place going into the semi-finals. We started the semi-finals June 20th and our boys played a hell of a game! They were down by 2, but then my little Jerrick and Joseph both had in the park home runs, which gave us the win! We played again the next day, June 21st. We still only had 9 players, so they didnt have a chance to take a break, rest up or even cool off from this ridicous 96+degree heat, but they were ready to play!! We absolutely exhausted out our pitchers and players...but none of these boys ever complained!! They really wanted to go into the championship round and we had faith in them, especially after watching them have many (what we call) "Mahomes moments."

A few hours before game 2 of the semi-finals started, Jerrick had to go for his yearly physical. He turned 9 in April, but having only 10 days of leave (per year) to divide between myself and 2 children, I haven't had the chance to take him (or his brother, who turned 6 in September) to the doctor...so I thought I would take advantage of this new juneteenth holiday and get it over with!! My 6 year old, Camden, is built like a tank and is in the 90th percentile for both height and weight. Jerrick has fallen into the 10th percentile for both height and weight.  Poor guy was fighting back tears as the nurse joked with him "we need to do something about that, your brother passed you up". I know she meant no harm...but if only she knew the struggle I've had with him this year over this being small issue.  I've sat on my sons floor and held him as he's bawled his eyes out because of bullies about his size. I've encouraged him to continue playing basketball after he absolutely did not want to anymore because some bully told him he wasn't big enough to play (he ended up scoring atleast half, if not most, of the points for his team each game, and was one of the shortest players on the team). Time and time again I tell him size means NOTHING, but when you allow others to get into your head, its hard to belive the truth. It also didn't help when the doctor walked in and mistakened him as my 6 year old, UGH! I encouraged a laugh out of him, but i could tell he was pretty upset hearing he's too small; to make matters worse, 2 hours before the game, he now had to have blood work done (just to check some things in regards to his size). I wish i would have encouraged him to cry and get all of his emotions out, but i personally don't know how to handle crying. I've always been a mentally and physically tough person and have always just tried laughing through the hard times...unfortunately that's just how I know to cope. 

We had exhausted our pitcher (stupid pitch count rule) because we played Friday and Monday, and now Tuesday. Jerrick just turned 9 and hasn't had any experience pitching, but we've thrown him in several times to end a game and he did amazing! He took criticism from coach like a champ and brushed off mistakes like a real pro...but this night was so different, he was so in his head and it killed me to watch.  Knowing my child, I could tell he was still fighting the emotions from a couple hours earlier. He didn't do horrible by any means. This kid is just so passionate about baseball and I absolutely love watching him play, so it killed me to see him struggle to put his emotions aside and pull himself together. I cant even exaggerate his passion, he literally plays ball every-single-day, and when he's not playing it, he's talking about it, or watching it on TV, or playing MLB the show on the Xbox. I honestly fear the day Cam passes Jerrick up, both physically and possibly in sports, especially baseball (Cam is built solid and with that comes power). This season Cam (who just finished kindergarten) popped a ball over the fence and crushed another couple off the fence (at the tball fields). We really regret not playing him up, but I dont even know where this child came from?! We coudn't even get him to play ball until about the age of 5 (he's very strong willed), so to see how much hes progressed in 1 yr is amazing! I just pray that my boys will grow to be supportive of one another and be each others biggest fans; it would truly break my heart if they treated each other with hate, like so many siblings do. 

I have been trying to prepare Jerrick for the day Camden passes him up (Cam is currently 1" shorter, and 3 lbs heavier than Jerrick). I've been telling him "Cam WILL pass you up, and that's okay. God made us all perfect in his own image, some are small and some are big, and the way that you are is exactly how he wants you to be." Man, i cant imagine where I'd be in life without religion. I truly belive Jerrick would be suicidal without our faith...I wish i was kidding. I'm truly blessed these boys have a different outlook and understanding about life.  It just kills my heart that a little 9 year old has such big feelings over something that shouldn't even matter!! I know it's not easy being a little man...be he just turned 9!! If only he could see himself the way we do. He is so naturally talented and is so fast!! May i never fail at reminding him, "you are strong and courageous, and are fearfully and wonderfully made". Dont get me wrong, i think Camden has great potential too, but I know Jerrick has always been special. He was swinging a bat before the age of 1 and has always had love for the game. Hes only struck out 4 times all season and only once last season. He's naturally great at all sports, but baseball is his passion...and I'll be damned if someone takes that away from him! I can't wait to see him play once we pack some weight on him (if that's even possible). It truly breaks my heart to see him so down on himself over something he can't control (for crying out loud, his mother is 5'1" and weighed 90lbs going into high school); it just infuriates me that all of these insecurities are because of a child "bully"!?! I've worked entirely way too hard building these kids up to have someone tear them down!! Can you imagine, if a child can cause that much damage to someone...what can an adult do? 

Anyways, fast forward back to game two of the tournament. Our boys were down, and we knew there wasn't enough time to come back, but they didn't give up! At one point, one of our 8 yr olds was about to strike out and he looked back at coach completely defeated and coach yelled out "believe in yourself"!! (I just have to brag, I have dibs on that coach)! I hope those are words that will stick with that kiddo for a life time. Believe in yourself. Man, I wish I had that advice at 8 years old! Maybe it would have saved me from years of anxiety and insecurities! 

REWIND a moment. Some of these kiddos have been in their heads so much this season and have had a really hard time brushing off and letting go of their mistakes. We've had a lot of sweat, a little blood and some tears, but our coaches have done an amazing job with these boys, picking them up, dusting them off, fixing their injuries, encouraging them. They have worked so hard, not just on fundamentals, but building them up also. At one point we feared losing a player because he was just so hard on himself; it is then that we came up with our motto "quitters never win and winners never quit"...we honestly couldn't afford to lose another player, we already lost out on one in the very beginning of the season because he was 11 and too old for our U10 league, one only came to 2 practices and never was seen again, and another's season ended due to personal reasons the day our games began. Not only could we not afford to lose this player, we couldn't allow for this kid to quit because he was talented. If only he could believe in himself the way we did, he had both talent and potential. After this, I (aka team manager) decided these kids know how to play baseball, but they don't know how to handle making errors, or their emotions. With the help of my best friend, Alex (i truly love this girl), we created a sign that we hung in our dugout that said "never give up, the last swing could win the ball game". 

NOW, FAST FORWARD back to the 2nd night of the semi-final tournament. It's top of the 4th, we haven't scored a run yet, but these boys amazed me. I heard them in the dugout and they were telling each other our quote "don't give up, the last swing could win the ball game". My mom heart was bursting! They were rallying and cheering and I knew that they didn't have enough time left in the game to come back for a win, the 4 run rule rendered that possibility, but I was so proud of them. We have such a young team, and we've never played with more than 9 players, but these boys fought so hard to be here and deserved the chance to atleast ride it out. They scored three runs! In this moment I think I wanted the win more than them; but I knew our season was already over. The game ended in the fifth with bases loaded and i was expecting some hard shed tears, but there were none! These boys ended the tournament like true Champs! They went in for one last huddle and all held their heads so high. Were these even the same kids I witnessed earlier in the year who couldn't even shake off dropping a pop fly? It is in this moment that I realized the growth these boys gained this season. For many, athleticism ends after senior year, but ones character lasts a lifetime. I think Babe Ruth said it best, "it's hard to beat a person who never gives up". I'm not sure what the future holds for these kids; our two 4th graders will move on to play U12, some may go on to play competitive and it may be the end of baseball for some of these players; but whatever they choose to do, I hope they always remember to believe in themselves, to allow themselves to be a beginner and never give up! As I wrap up another long blog, I can't help but ask the age old question, how can you not be romantic about baseball?!? What a season! <3

Faith or Fear?!?

     It's been awhile since I last blogged, I decided to take some much needed time away from social media to find myself again. The person I felt I was becoming (fearful, anxious, mad) definitely wasn't who I am, and not qualities I want to carry. I ran across a quote from an unknown author and thought it was worth sharing, it read:  

"Ships don't sink because of the water around them, ships sink because of the water that gets in them. Don't let what's happening around you get inside of you and weigh you down.”

WOW! How much of the weight (stress) that we are carrying around isn't even ours to be holding onto? Taking care of our health is so much more than the food we eat; we not only should be nourishing our body but our minds. Our mental health is heavily influenced by who we choose to have in our lives, and what we listen to and/or watch. We may not be able to control what is happening around us, but we can certainly control who/what we choose to be around.

    In the last year I decided to make some pretty big changes. After 6 years as a probate clerk I made a compulsive decision to leave my job and start over new. I have let go of some family and friends along the way; it’s really unfortunate, but, sometimes you have to in order to protect your own mental health. I feel like I have always been that anchor for everyone, and I had to cut loose because I was sinking! Letting go doesn't mean I stopped caring, it just means that I have to do what I feel is best for me and my family; if I want to give my family the best version of me possible then I have to let go of everything weighing me down...trust me, that isn't always easy to do! But, I can honestly say that a huge weight has been lifted and I feel in perfect peace now.

    I've also been focusing on my faith and spiritual growth. I honestly don't know how people get through each day without prayer; it is the one thing that gives me strength when I am weak.  I've been TRYING to study the bible and use it as a guide on how I should be living my life. If I'm being honest, I'm totally just winging most things, all while praying for wisdom and guidance to help me along the way. In doing so, I ran across Galatians 5:22-23, it reads:

         "The fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control."

The spirit refers to God and we are the fruit. So he expects us to be all of these things and the only way to be that is by letting go of everything that isn't that. This journey into self growth has definitely been hard, and I still feel I have a long way to go to become all that I want to be, but I feel that I'm on the right track!

    The not so perfect me is strong willed and opiniated. Trust that I talk myself down a lot and lately I have been really good about turning the other cheek and keeping my mouth shut....BUT, i'm just not sure I can remain silent. I just do not understand how people think it's okay to express an opinion and/or their views; yet, if someone doesn't agree with them they are “bad” people, as if their views are wrong, or they aren't educated. YES, I'm going there!! I'm totally over this covid/vaccination/mask bullcrap! I've really tried to refrain from voicing my opinion about this because I truly wish to remain in perfect peace...but the amount of slander and hate coming from these differences in opinions is asinine!! The behavior of some is actually quite appalling. Since when did life come with a guide book and where does it say these opinions are right and those are wrong ? How did the world become so self centered?! I'm tring to understand how, in a world that is so "pro-choice" with this freedom to choose lifestyle (abortion, religion, gender selection, supporting violence), that we fail to see that the difference in opinion and views is that persons freedom to choose. It may not be your choice, but they have just as much rights and freedom as you...do they not? I have seen so many friendships and families destroyed over these differences in opinions, I have no other words for it other than it's just sad. In times like these I feel it's very important, especially as Christians, to lay your foundation and know what you stand for. 2 Timothy 4:3 says:

        "For the time will come when people will not put up with sound doctrine; instead, to suit their own desires, they will gather around them a great number of teachers to say what their itching ears want to hear."

    WOW, if that aint the truth! It is hard to discern ourselves between worldly things and Godly things, that is why my first pillar upon my foundation is faith. Of course to each their own, but as for me, I am not concerned about what the world thinks.1 Peter 4:19 says: "Trust your lives to the God who created you, for he will never fail you." So many people have lived in absolute fear within the last year. It has literally robbed them of living life. The amount of people experiencing mental health issues is higher than ever; where is this fear coming from?!? 2 Timothy 4:7 says: "God will never give you the spirit of fear." So if God isn't instilling this life halting fear, then where is it coming from? Can we agree that it is a problem that has been created by the world? Is it because of the mass hysteria the media is creating? Is it because we fear the unknown? Perhaps we are living in fear of dying, but why? J.C Ryle gave a great perspective about this when he wrote:

        "People never reject the bible because they don't understand it, they understand it too well. They understand that it condemns their own behavior. They understand that it witnesses against their own sins, and summons them to judgment. They try to believe that it is false and useless, because they don't like to believe it is true."

We are definitely living in a time where people ignore the word of God but blame him in times of trouble (ex. where was God when so and so was dying; or, if there's a God then why wont he heal our nation of this virus?) Galatians 6:7-8 says: 

        "Don't be mislead, you cannot mock the justice of God. You will always harvest what you plant. Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest decay and death from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit." 

Romans 1:17 says: "it is through faith that a righteous person has life." If 2020 left you living in absolute fear of death, or suffering from depression, or struggling financially, just know that Isaiah 30:18 says "the Lord must wait for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for his help."

Yet so many in these times of trouble are turning to worldly things such as a vaccine, putting faith in science verse God (who created you). Romans 1:20 says "for ever since the world was created, people have seen the earth and sky. Through everything God made, they can clearly see his invisible qualities, his eternal power and divine nature; so they have no excuse for not knowing God."

    I'm sure by now you are probably thinking how can you be so nonchalant about covid when so many have died? Or, you have young children, aren't you afraid of getting covid and possibly dying? I can tell you that there is NOTHING more that I want in this life than to be my children's mother, to have the opportunity to raise them and watch them grow up to become all that they are meant to be. But my spiritual growth has truly cast out all of my fears and anxiety's. 

    I do not know what my future holds, and quite honestly the unknown can be a bit scary.  But Job 14:5 says "a persons days are determined. You have decreed the number of his months and have set limits he cannot exceed." Isaiah 14:27 also teaches us that nothing can stop what God has ordained. Therefore, faith tells me that my days have already been numbered and that if it is my time to die there's no escaping it. I can hide in my home from fear of this virus, yet could die while in my home, on my own couch, from a drunk driver crashing through. I could be driving the speed limit, wearing my seat belt and die unexpectedly in a car crash. I could be walking and struck by a stray bullet, or could be dining with my family at a restaurant and crushed by a car...at any given moment. Faith tells me that there is no escaping death when your end is here. I am not convinced that a mask or concoction of chemicals in a vaccine is going to save me, or you. If you feel differently then more power to you!

    I'm sure that I'm probably going to be ripped to shreds by people who don't agree with me. You can even call me every name under the sun, throw out your opinions and statistics, but you aren't going to change my views. Do you even notice though that I'm not even really talking about covid, masks or vaxxing here? This blog is about so much more than that. I hope that if you're still reading this that you understand that I'm trying to bring awareness to a fallen nation. One that has been so overcome by fear that we have developed actual hate and inflicted violence upon others....all because someone perceives something differently. I'm honestly not trying to be an influencer. I'm not going to tell you your opinion is wrong, or to not wear a mask or vaccinate, you do what you feel is best for you and I’ll do what I feel is best for me. This blog is to remind you that every choice you make in life is totally up to you. If you aren't happy with where you are in life, then make different choices. Know what your pillars are, and don't let them fall because of what is happening around you. Isaiah 7:96 says: "If you don't stand firm in your faith, you will not stand at all." Don't let this world drag you down. 2 Corinthians 5:10 says 

        "For we must all appear before the judgment seat of Christ so that each one may receive what is due for what he has done in the body, whether good or evil."

It doesn't say you'll be judged for what others around you are or aren't doing, you will only be judged for the choices you make, so choose wisely. The greatest commandment in the bible is John 13:34-35, it reads: "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another; just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another." There is no love in hate. If you are easy to anger and living full of hate than you have conformed to the standards of this world. Be careful how you perceive things. Isaiah 5:20 warns: "In the last days, good will be called evil and evil called good." 2 Timothy 3:1-4 also warns:  

        "There will be terrible times in the last days. People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self control, brutal, not lovers of good, treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God."

Perhaps the fear that is causing such hysteria isn't the "pandemic" but the fact that the bible is literally playing out right before our eyes and we aren't ready to face the consequences of our actions. Joshua 1:9 wants to remind you "Be strong and courageous, do not be frightened or dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go." The bible also says to cast all of your worries onto the Lord, pray about everything and let your requests be known to God. If today you are living anxiously I hope you find peace.

 If you are reading this and feeling angry toward me, be angry. Call me inconsiderate or selfish and accuse me for not considering others all because I don’t wear a mask. In reality, I don't wear one because it triggers migraines and I've done my fair share of suffering from those almost my ENTIRE life! I don't wear one because I don't feel they work. I don't wear one because I feel it's not going to save me from death if it's my time to die. I don't wear one because I've taken into consideration if you are wearing one and/or vaccinated you should be just fine. Whatever happened to freedom to choose? What happened to "our differences don't divide us?" Despite your opinion of me, I can tell you I actually care a lot about those around me. I can tell you that I truly want what's best for everyone and if I didn't I wouldn't be wasting my time writing. I can also tell you that I am married to the most selfless person I have ever met, he is so forgiving and understanding and always quick and willing to help ANYONE in need, without hesitation. So trust that if his views are different than yours he’s not going to treat you any different or hold that against you. How very lucky am I to have someone who supports me even if/when we don’t agree!?! 

     I'm obviously not concerned about how others perceive me. Worldly judgment is a problem created by the world and the people in it, it has nothing to do with me. I'm also not blogging thinking I'm better than you...I know I’m not perfect and that’s why I need Jesus. I'm also not setting and achieving goals to try and one up you, I'm simply trying to become a better version of me. Period.

Phil Roberson (from Duck Dynasty) said it best when he said "our culture has accepted two huge lies; the first is that if you disagree with someone's lifestyle you must fear or hate them. The second is that to love someone means you agree with everything they believe or do. Both are non sense. You don't have to compromise convictions to be compassionate."

I could go on and on but this must eventually come to an end. But I cannot end this blog without quoting one of my all time favorite quotes from Mother Theresa: "People are often unreasonable and self-centered, forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives, be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you, be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous, be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow, do good anyway. Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough, give your best anyway. For you see, in the end, it is between you and God, it was never between you and them anyway."

If you're still reading this (I apologize for rambling), but I hope you have the courage to stand for what you believe in, even if it means standing alone. You may not agree with my views and that is perfectly okay, that is your freedom to choose not to; However, I ask for the same respect for me and my family that we give to you about your views as we exercise our God given rights too. Take time to yourself to reflect on your own life and ask yourself what do I stand for? As we finally return back to normal ask yourself which part of "normal" is worth going back to. At the end of the day the only life that you are going to be held accountable for is your own, so don't let what's happening around you influence you in a negative way. Lay your foundation, set your pillars and build that wall to defend yourself against anything that's blocking you from becoming all that you are trying to be. In this crazy world I truly hope that your learn how to find your peace.

                                                                    -AMEN

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God said “Let there be light” and there was light. He saw that the light was good and separated it from darkness.  Yet, there is so much darkness in this world, even while living in the light. As God divided night and day, should we too divide ourselves from darkness? Ephesians 5:15-16 says “so be careful how you live; don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days”.

As I’m quickly approaching thirty, I can’t help but be more reserved and observant (I know, you’re probably thinking “seriously? You are the most outspoken person I know”…but if only you knew the thoughts that I keep to myself, then you would understand!!) I can’t help but notice how reckless people live, especially within my generation! Literally, half of my generation don’t own a home, or have a savings (with at least 6 months of expenses set aside), a "5 year" plan (or any goals really), or work a decent paying job (if they even work at all). Instead, it seems like everyone is living a bachelor/bachelorette life style, living for the moment, partying like we’re in highschool, and living as if there are no consequences to their actions. I also can’t help but notice that it seems like pretty much everyone within my generation (up to at least 35) is divorced and just living like wild fools.  I certainly am not shaming anyone for remaining single, marriage and parenting isn’t always easy…but that is the reality of adulting, LIFE-isn’t-always-easy; but, it doesn’t mean just piss away your responsibilities and live recklessly, as if they don’t exist.  Is living like a naive teenager again going to make said responsibilities go away? They might by putting you in a grave; but otherwise, they will still be there tomorrow. I was somewhat warming up to the idea of being 30, just to get away from this “20 something” stigma; but, I am almost more embarrassed to be a part of this “30 something” generation. I always had the impression that growing up meant getting your life together; doing better because you know better…but instead, it’s the complete opposite. I guess that’s what I get for assuming. I feel as if I’m in high school again when with my general age group. It’s like all self respect and morals go out the door at 30.

This is America; you are free to choose how you live your life, but you certainly are not free from the consequences of your choices. Seriously, what has happened to our generation?! Everyone has become so self-centered!! Everything you do doesn’t just affect you, but all those who love and are around you. If you choose to disobey the law, the consequences will find you, and those charges WILL haunt you, forever; (job opportunities, others trust toward you and how people see you). Not only does it affect the way people see you, but everyone with your last name, your children and their reputation/future, and especially your parents. I know so many reckless, irresponsible adults and people automatically blame their parents…when their parents would do anything to help them, especially if that means helping them become successful and just a decent human being.

I am truly grateful I once had two great parents who were always putting our needs and wants first, who were prompt to discipline (because they loved us and wanted us to do better than how we were behaving).  They were for sure my parents first, but they were also my best friend. They never forced us to think or act a certain way, but they provided constructive criticism and guidance along the way. I miss my dad dearly. My entire family fell apart after he died, literally. You truly don’t know the impact death can have on ones family until you’ve lived through it. Sometimes it’s hard to appreciate all that you have until it’s gone. I was always very close with my dad and never imagined such a short life with him. With God as my rock, I survived his death better than I expected (I honestly didn’t know how I could live without him). The reality is you never really stop grieving…you just deal with it because you don’t have a choice. My dad busted his ass to provide for his family. He was very humble, always willing to help anyone. He was a father figure to so many and was so funny...but he was also the man that could kick someones ass if he had to. He was such a kid at heart (in a non reckless way); you better believe there was always a game of pool being played, or a volleyball match going down in the pool…or an intense game of wii bowling happening. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do to have those days back. I miss the way I use to laugh…I am living a happy and blessed life, but I still feel this void that won’t go away and I just don't feel the same. I wouldn’t wish death upon my worst enemy, but the imperfect Christian within me is angry. I can’t help but think that my dad should be alive and those who live such a foolish/reckless life should be dead. Unfortunately that is life; it is not fair. The reality is that no one, at any age, is promised tomorrow. Isaiah 14:27 says “nothing can stop God’s plan for your life”. If it is your time to die there is no escaping it…so if we’re not promised tomorrow, then why live life recklessly as if there will be a tomorrow? If you died today…how would you be remembered? Does that thought make you proud? If you died tomorrow leaving young children, and/or a spouse…what would they say about you? Would it be "Dad never had time for us; he was always with his friends. He never really played with me, or took me fishing"; or would they say "my dad was a great dad, he always played with me and told me he loved and was proud of me…I miss him so much". And what about you mom? Are you the mom who always yells because you are tired and just want to be left alone…or despite the fact that you are tired, do you make time to play, or snuggle…to kiss boo-boo’s and create precious memories? Life is so short. Once it’s gone you will never have the opportunity to say or do all of the things “you didn’t have time to do”. There comes a point in life where you have to stop living with excuses and make time for what really matters. IF it is important to you…you will make time for it. And if you treat it like it’s not important to you…someone else will. Perhaps you have been living with your priorities out of whack...if you are alive today it's not to late to start over. Although it was short, I am thankful I had 21 years with my dad. I truly never took that time for granted; and now since the only thing I can do is look back, I am truly happy for all the time I got to spend with him.

I feel really bad for kids now days. Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of good families out there; but, it seems like there are twice as many reckless or unloving homes. I’m constantly seeing children taken under guardianship because their parents chose a party life style, and/or drugs, over them. It’s almost as if their parents failed them by bringing them into this world…some kids literally don’t even stand a chance! My heart truly breaks for them. One doesn’t know the trauma some of these children experience until you have been involved in rescuing them, or relived what they went through by reading about it in a probable cause statement. It seems to be a vicious cycle; same family offenders. Just know, you aren’t your parents/grandparents/aunts/uncles/siblings/friends. Perhaps they live recklessly; have a partying and/or drinking/drug problem. Perhaps they chose buying alcohol/drugs over paying bills so you were always moving from home to home, continually being evicted. Perhaps you’ve gone hungry, or without electricity because of their addiction; the thought of that next high consumed every aspect of their life to where they felt that was more important than providing basic necessities to their family. Sadly, children often don’t see this way of life as wrong. A child born into this lifestyle can’t distinguish that it is wrong because it may be all they’ve ever known. Regardless if mom/dad beat or molested them…that may be the only mom/dad they’ve ever known and they love them because that's their mom/dad. The love of a child is unfailing, so why do parent's continually fail their children? 

At some point in life, the child who was failed will learn what is right and wrong. They may choose to live the reckless life style their parents are living because it's the only life they have ever known; but at some point,  they will have to take responsibility for their actions. There's a saying that goes "once you know better, do better". At some point in life, you will have to let go of all the excuses that you have made for your wrong doing. At the age of 18 you are legally considered an adult and are responsible for your own actions. It doesn’t matter anymore how you were (or weren’t) raised. It doesn’t matter what your family and/or friends are doing. It doesn’t matter how long you have been living this reckless lifestyle…at some point in life YOU have to own up and take responsibility for your actions and break that cycle. The only person who can stop that life style is YOU. Do you want your kids to live the life that you lived? Strive to give them the life/future you didn’t have. Every choice you make now effects your AND THEIR future…think about that. 

Never forget that on any day, your whole life can change, forever. Life is short, no one is guaranteed tomorrow. Sometimes freak accidents happen; but, often times bad things happen as a consequence of the actions you chose to participate in. In my opinion, the one who suffers the most through addiction, and/or recklessness, is children. They are robbed of their peace of mind and safety. You as a parent are supposed to be their safe place…but you can’t be that if you’re coming off a high, or out drinking and driving, putting them in danger. If you die from the result of your reckless life style, your children are FOREVER living with the consequences of YOUR actions. All they will have are the memories you chose to create with them…if their lucky enough to remember them. If not, then all the will have is the memories that others choose to share with them. Will those be good memories? "Your mom/dad loved you so much s/he would do anything to still be here….matter of fact, they are always with you…they will be cheering you on from heaven when you hit your first home run, etc." Hopefully they can share memories of mom/dad always tried. Maybe s/he worked 2 jobs so you would never be without; despite how tired s/he was they read to you every night. They taught you how to play baseball, and fish, and how to ride a bike. Or will the stories be your mom/dad was wild, s/he loved to party. S/he enjoyed being with their friends. You might not have many memories with him/her, but s/he was a good person and loved you too. Regardless of the relationship you have with your child/parents, if you are living today, God has given you another day to live your life to the fullest; make the best out of today because tomorrow may never come. Just know when you are out wasting your life away being reckless, someone elses life may be wasting away. That person may be a great person, never doing anything wrong. Perhaps they were robbed of their life from cancer; their family has prayed endlessly, yet nothing can stop what God has ordained. Their life may be over, but yours isn’t. Tomorrow is a new opportunity to make a change, to stop taking life for granted.

Statistically speaking, reckless lifestyles, such as drinking and driving, claim the lives of roughly 10,000 people a year. The sad truth is that often those who die in accidents related to drinking are completely innocent (just like me, when I was 5, sitting on the couch in my own home, when a drunk driver came crashing through, going 70 mph…only my story has a happy ending. God gave not only me, but the driver, a second chance at life...and as far as I know he turned his life around). OVER 40,000 people die per year from drug overdose/abuse. In 2017 alone, over 70,000 people died from drug overdose. Drug abuse does not just affect the user, but their children, parents, siblings and friends. NEVER are they alone. They may feel alone, or want to be left alone, only caring about their next high…but they are never in the fight alone. EVERYONE who loves them is on that roller coaster ride along with them.  The fight is never over until it ends in death or sobriety…and more often than not it ends in death. I guarantee your parents will never stop fighting with you about your wrong doing because-they-love-you. They know you are a good person and they know that if you want to, you can overcome this monster that has consumed you. Deuteronomy 30:19 says “I have set before you life and death, blessing and cursing; therefore, choose life.” Unfortunately there’s only so much you can do to help someone, they have to willingly want to change. Letting go is not easy. One truly does not know the meaning of grieving until you have grieved the loss of someone who is not yet dead.

Sometimes, there comes a point when you have to let people go…not because you don’t care about them…but because they don’t. When someone truly cares, they want what’s best for you. They pray for and root for you, hoping you achieve all of your goals and wildest dreams. If your “circle” is not critizing you for your recklessness, or pushing you to become the best version of yourself that you could possibly become…how can you say that they are for you? I don’t know who wrote it, but I once read a quote that has stuck with me forever, it said “Ships don’t sink because of the water around them…ships sink because of the water that gets in them. Don’t let what’s happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.” I felt that. Eventually, being around people who choose to live so recklessly will eventually drag you down with them. Whether it be mentally, or into the reckless life style that they are living. Proverbs 13:20 warns “walk with the wise and become wise; associate with fools and get in trouble.” You may not be able to change how the people around you act, but you can choose the people you are around...And I know that is easier said than done. I’m constantly reminding myself that good people sometimes make bad choices, and that does not mean that they are a bad person…but the disappoint is still there, and it hurts! There is no greater pain than watching someone who was once such a good person dwindle away into a reckless human being. I have cut many good people out of my life, simply because the life they are living is basically my life in reverse...and I’m not headed that way anymore, and don’t want to be held back from my own goals.

There is no such thing as a perfect person. In life we all make mistakes…but continually doing things as if there are no consequences is not a mistake, but a choice. 1 Corinthians 15:33 says “do not be misled; bad company ruins good character”. The reality of this blog may just be that I am an honest asshole…but, someone, somewhere, needs this to be their sign from God; this is your wakeup call. I am willing to sacrifice pissing off and/or offending many to save just 1 person from a reckless life of regrets. Never forget that the consequences of your actions never just affect you, but ALL of those who care for you. Proverbs 15:31 says “to be counted among the wise, you must learn to accept helpful criticism”.  Sometimes the honest truth hurts and will piss you off…but eventually, it will set you free. A.W Tozer wrote “to be entirely safe from the devil’s snares, the child of God must be completely obedient to the word of the Lord. The driver on the highway is safe, not when he reads the signs; but when he obeys them.”  1 John 5:21 says “dear children, keep away from anything that might take God’s place in your hearts”….often times these things are people within our very “circle”. It won’t be easy to let go, but letting go doesn’t mean that you stop caring for them. At some point, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart, but not in your life. If they are meant to be in your life, God will cause you to cross paths again in some way. So I guess for many this is goodbye. I plan to take time away to evaluate my life and who I choose to have in it. I certainly don't feel that I am better than anyone, or have any hard feelings...I just can't continue to live a positive life when associated with so many who act like fools. I don't know who wrote this quote either, but it also has stuck with me over the years and it said "you can't pour from an empty cup". Take care of yourself so that you can be all that God created you to be...not for yourself, but for those who are counting on you.

We Are Not All in This Together

I’ve been seeing a lot of encouraging signs lately saying “we are all in this together”. It’s so nice seeing words of encouragement, especially when the media chooses to only share negative news. In a time as questionable as this, people are “coming together”, lending a hand, and helping out one another...that’s awesome! Christian or not, it literally costs nothing to be a good person. MAYBE mankind isn’t so bad after all. But are we really all in this together…or is that just like sugar sprinkled on top of a cupcake to make this situation "taste" better?

A co-worker shared something with me today that said “we are not all in this together”…and it REALLY spoke in volumes to me. WE-ARE-NOT-ALL-IN-THIS-TOGETHER! WHAT?!? Yes, I said it…and it’s true! We may think that we are all in this together, but we are NOT. Yes, the covid-19 pandemic is real. Yes, there is a “shut down” in place. Yes, we are all affected in some way. But to say we are all in this together…as in we are all struggling in the same way (fighting to pay bills, survive, grieving the loss of loved ones) is-a-lie!

My husband and I have been very fortunate throughout all of this. I like to think that I have counted my blessings; but, I am truly grateful to not be effected by any of this. We have been very fortunate to be considered essential, and we are both still working full time. We haven’t had to skip or postpone any payments. We aren’t living paycheck to paycheck, wondering how we will get by, and we aren’t going hungry. We don’t have to worry about going into foreclosure, and so far, we are very fortunate to have not lost any loved ones due to this pandemic. We are blessed! Childcare has been a struggle to find, we are currently paying out the ass for it, but how can I even complain in times like these when so many are struggling to make ends meet!?!

Lately my husband and I have really become addicted to budgeting (there could always be worse addictions right?!) The month is ending, which means I will finally get paid, and I can’t help but notice that I still have money in my account…and that’s after transferring money into savings (and no, that’s not including the stimulus check).  Dave Ramsey says you should ALWAYS end the month with $0 (anything remaining should be transferred into savings). MAYBE I didn’t transfer as much as I should have. Did I forget to pay something? NOPE! I re-ran my numbers over and over, checking for an error; nothing. Perhaps i’m spending less because “everything is shut down”….the $107.00 in receipts from eating out this month says that’s a lie! Sadly that doesn’t include what my husband spent, whoops! Oddly my husband said he has extra money too and couldn’t make sense of it. We’ve both paid all of our bills, put money into savings, and paid roughly $200 extra in childcare. HOW DO WE HAVE “EXTRA” MONEY?!? Daily I have been praying to God for guidance and wisdom, asking him to help me be a blessing to others…could this be my opportunity? Is THIS my sign? We both don’t understand it. But that’s the crazy thing about God…he allows things to happen that make NO SENSE, to prove that he is the one in control. Philippians 4:19 says “and my God will supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.” “For nothing will be impossible with God.” (Luke 1:37).

So no, we are not all in this together. We may all be living through the same pandemic…but we aren’t all experiencing this together. People are losing their loved ones…parents, children, siblings, co-workers; dying ALONE in the hospital. How many of you have been through that? People are living in absolute fear of the unknown; their mental health compromised. Businesses are closing, some FOREVER. Farmers have a ton of food going to waste because the lack of demand with so many schools and restaurants being shut down right now. Locally owned and small businesses can’t survive; thus, people are losing their jobs. Perhaps that’s not so bad. I hear people are getting OVER $600 a week on unemployment right now…even those who are working (but hours have been significantly cut). I guarantee they weren’t making that before all of this...so technically "they’re benefiting"! I can’t feel too bad for them, they are better off than me….and I’m still working full time! But how about those who have been laid off…or lost their job PERMANENTLY, and HAVEN’T received ANY unemployment check yet? Sadly, it's not even guaranteed. Perhaps you’re a small business who has received the $11,000 stimulus that you allegedly don’t have to pay back. How do you feel seeing other small businesses close because they couldn’t hold out for the stimulus they never received? Most small businesses are family owned and operated. Their ancestors poured their heart and soul into founding these businesses that started from nothing. That $3,400.00 stimulus check that I didn’t need was nice…until I found out that some people who-needed-it haven’t received one. I know people who have busted their ass at factories for over 20 years that have been let go. These people have families that relied on their income. I know several people who have taken the “monthly loan forgiveness option”…not realizing that the debt has to be paid in full once this pandemic is over….as in, if you couldn’t pay your $800 mortgage this month, or next month, in three months you now owe $2,400.00 (yes, read the fine print). What if they had no other option? You don’t have a savings and you can’t afford to pay your debts…so now what? My own twin sister is in this predicament. Her hours have been so significantly cut, yet her employer refuses to close and if they lay them off there's a chance they won't get their job back. So she can’t get unemployment, and doesn’t qualify for financial assistance. If she does finally get unemployment to make up for the cut in hours, it could be a month before she sees any of that. I can’t help but think how will our economy ever financially recover from this 2 trillion dollar loan? Is this going to force us into socialism? I keep hearing buy “American made, support our economy”…yet so many products sold in the USA are imported. People say “shop local”. How can we shop local if our local businesses are closed? What if they can’t hold out another week or so until we start re-opening? So many have already spent this stimulus check because they had debts they couldn’t pay, or families to feed. How are we to stimulate the economy when it went toward outstanding debt? And for the rest of us, we just socked it into savings…saving it for the unknown, or hoping for an early retirement. So no, we are not in this together. We are all just trying to stay afloat, riding out the same storm. You really don't know how the person next to you is...are they drowning? I've been hearing about a lot of suicides lately...this too shall pass. Have faith; you're worth more to your family alive. Suddenly I am feeling guilty. I really haven’t checked in with any friends or family to see if they’re okay. Not just financially, but mentally. I guess I just have been so wrapped up in working, picking up my kids, rushing home to get dinner going/cleaned up, enjoy a little bit of this nice weather before night falls, kids bathed…oh but wait, I am now a teacher, so I have to make time for that too, get the kids to bed and try not to fall asleep so I can find sometime for myself/husband. Wow. Life really hasn’t slowed down for me one bit. But that shouldn’t be my excuse. I really do hope all of my friends, family and “enemies” are doing okay, both mentally, physically, and financially.

We may not be in this together, but you are not alone. I may not be struggling right now, but I know what you are going through. When I had my first son I prayed and planned for him. We had ALL of our debt (less our mortgage) paid off. I was able to stay home with him for nearly a year. Then our second son came…and suddenly we were struggling. We still just had a mortgage, and “now” a small car payment. We knew the expense of diapers, formula and childcare. We planned for this second child, we were prepared…where did we go wrong? I guess we didn’t account for having two in diapers, or paying up to $900/month in childcare…that was more than our mortgage! We were prideful; there was no way we were going to apply for help (WIC/EBT), we could do this…but we were barely making it…so we applied; DENIED!

If it wasn’t for my sister, I honestly don’t know how I would have afforded to clothe my kids. If it wasn’t for my pediatrician giving me free cans of formula, I’m not sure how I would have fed my almost 10 pound baby who was ALWAYS hungry.  We barely had any debt…but we were struggling. I say this with guilt because there are legit poor people out there without food/clothing. We had a savings, but we didn’t want to drain it. We weren't poor, but so broke. We fell through the cracks, being stepped over, just like so many Americans right now. We didn’t qualify for WIC or EBT, much like so many who didn’t receive the stimulus check (whether it be because they couldn’t afford to pay in on their taxes, or they make too much). There are people out there totally abusing the system, living off of these resources as income…yet we couldn’t even receive it temporarily. I know what it’s like to be with someone one day, and then they’re gone the next; (my dad was with me celebrating my husband’s 22^nd birthday one day, and died unexpectedly the next day…3 weeks before he was supposed to walk me down the aisle). We had a small house fire 4 weeks after I had a c-section with my first son because of our neighbor’s negligent act. On the day of our sons 2^nd birthday our house was broken into; we were the innocent victim, yet our insurance went up. My son was life flighted at the age of 4 and we weren’t allowed to fly with him. We were drowning in bills from our youngest sons constant doctor visits, medicines, and tests (that showed nothing when there was clearly an issue). My car was stolen and I never received justice. I had stage 3 pre-cervical cancer that required immediate surgery. I’ve been there; I’ve struggled. I never asked for help because “I didn’t need it”. I was prideful. During the struggle, I never really prayed to God to help me because I felt that's selfish, there were definitely people WAY worse off than me, (although now I know the bible says “come to me all who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest”). Sometimes people get so wrapped up in their own pity parties that they don’t realize those around them drowning….I certainly didn’t want to be like that! We literally once lived pay check to pay check, but we weren’t poor by any means. My children weren’t diagnosed with a life threatening illness; I didn’t have cancer…that right there is countless things to be thankful for. I guarantee if we all put our troubles into a big pile we would realize what little troubles we actually have.

During our struggle my husband and I made so many sacrifices. We didn’t piss our money away partying like so many our age do. We cut out cable. I didn’t dye my hair, or go crazy buying materialistic things. Tyler and I didn’t buy for each other, or go on large vacations (we opted for small adventures, like taking the kids to zoo’s, baseball games, etc...IF We could afford to.) The one thing I didn’t do was question God’s faithfulness. I don’t know how I would have gotten through it all without the power of prayer. Isaiah 41:10 says “fear not, for I am with you, be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand”. The struggle was real. At times I felt it would never end, that we would never get out of the debt that we were now in. BUT, EVERY storm comes to an end eventually. You are not alone. WE MADE IT and we are stronger than before, and you're going to too....but in order to do so, you will have to make sacrifices.

The not so perfect Christian in me wants to say, “we struggled, we made sacrifices…and now you need to figure it out on your own too”. I seriously swear I was born with no empathy!! BUT, I want you to know you’re not alone, and you don’t have to figure it out alone.  I am here for you, to help you through this in whatever way that I can. I may not be able to pay your mortgage/rent payment…but I can help you with groceries, or gas, or any other way that I can. I’m here looking for that diamond in the rough. Perhaps you had your life together, and have fallen through the crack. You don't qualify for assistance and you haven’t received a stimulus or unemployment check to help you…I’m here for you. I know what that's like! If anything, I’m just a phone call or text away, to provide a listening ear.

Tyler and I have learned and grown so much through our struggle; it was definitely a humbling experience...and I'm glad I didn't have to go through it alone. I'm truly blessed to have such a humble and supportive man beside me. I never would have thought that people who have it all together, who work full time, struggle. They are the ones falling through the cracks and need our help, even if it’s only temporary...because they aren't getting the help they need. I have no doubt in my mind that every experience in life if a lesson of some sort, from God. I can’t learn your lesson for you, but I can definitely help you through it…and I definitely want to be that support system for you. We may not all be in this together, but we can all get through this together.

You might be wondering “how did we get through our struggle?” No, we didn’t take a government bailout. We didn’t receive money from family. We never stopped praying. We never stopped trusting God to help us. Yes, there were times I ended the pay period with less than $1, but I wasn’t negative. By the grace of God I was making it, barely. Despite our struggle, we found ways to still give and bless others. Luke 6:38 says “give, and it will be given to you. Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap. For with the measure you use it will be measured back to you.” We may not have always been able to bless others with money, but we never stopped trying to help others in any way that we could. 2 Corinthians 9:7 says “each one must give as he has decided in his heart, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.” The bible says do not boast about helping others, so I will not go into all that we have done for others….but in order to help others when you can barely help yourself, you must sacrifice. Tyler and I use to opt out of buying each other gifts during holidays so that we could buy for other children, or families, in need during the holiday. After all, life isn’t about materialistic things. Does a used car and a brand new car not get you to the same place? Does a $20 purse and a $200 purse not carry the same things? You could die tomorrow and all your family would be left with is just stuff. Don’t make life about stuff. The bible also says you will be blessed by blessing those who cannot repay you (Luke 14:12-14). Nowhere does it say you have to bless others with a financial blessing. EVERYONE was born with a unique talent or gift, use that to bless others. Sometimes the best blessing is just having someone there to listen. Become that somebody, that you once needed, for someone else.

I truly feel that until we realize that our wants need to be less, and our need for God needs to be more that we will continue to struggle. Often we all want what we don’t have, not realizing all that we do have…when there is someone out there with so much less. Perhaps these people aren’t willing to help themselves, but should their children have to suffer their consequences? Who are we to judge who is worthy of our help when we don’t know their situation? Perhaps they’ve done all that they can do for themselves and still fall short. I hope that if you’re faced with the opportunity to help someone in need that you do, without judging. And I hope that if you need help that you aren’t too prideful to reach out and ask for it. I am here for you. And I will be here to help you in silence. I’m not afraid to share my struggles because i’m not that person anymore. I want others to know what I’ve been through so they never have to feel alone. Just remember, we can get through this together. I will sprinkle the hell out of that cupcake until it not only tastes better, but looks better….and then, I will eat yours for you (if you want me to). Don’t allow yourself to feel alone, you most certainly are not alone.

HYPOCRITES

I have been hearing so much hate lately, bashing our President, governor, etc. and it has just been really weighing on my mind. Here we are, in the midst of a crisis, a pandemic, that no one living within this century has been through before…and suddenly, everyone and their brother "knows it all", and has a better resolution than our leaders. I guarantee they have spent many hours in meetings, perhaps sleepless nights, trying to figure out what to do for our Nation; hopefully they have even prayed about their decisions. They are doing everything they can, within their power, to try and control something that they know so little about. So how about instead of speaking so much hate, pause and lift our leaders up in prayer. Pray that they have the wisdom to know which decision to make, to help us get through this time.

Regardless of what decisions are made, it is impossible to please mankind. Why are humans such assholes?  This makes me think of the 2017 bashing of Joel Olsteen, when he decided not to open his church in Houston to the Harvey hurricane Victims. Without even thinking, people were bashing him left and right calling him a hypocrite, and just bashing Christians in general. I guarantee he prayed long and hard about his decision. I am a fan of Joel’s preaching, which caused me to be called out on his actions. I was speechless; I didn’t know what to say. But, I’ve since had a lot of time to think about it.

The bible says that EVERYONE is born with a distinct talent or gift that sets us apart from others. Whether that be a leader, public speaker, healer, counselor, seamstress, teacher, athlete…everyone has control over their own God given talent to use it to the fullest, if they so choose. Joel is gifted, no doubt. He is a great public speaker/deacon/leader/counselor/teacher/healer. I don’t know about you, but he speaks healing to my soul and is easy to listen to.  1 Peter 4:10-11 says “each of you should use whatever gift you have received to serve others, as faithful stewards of God’s grace in its various forms. If anyone speaks, they should do so as one who speaks the very words of God. If anyone serves, they should do so with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ. To him be the glory and the power forever and ever”. 

Joel does just that. He was definitely called to teach others about God and lead them to salvation. He is NOT Jesus. He was not sent by God to save the world, or find a solution for everything. But I know you are thinking, but how can someone who claims to be a Christian turn away those in need of help? Aren’t Christians supposed to help others? So here is my thought. Say Joel opened his church to thousands misplaced by the hurricane. You have thousands of people, of all kinds, in close quarters. There may be illness among these people that may spread like wildfire in cramped quarters. There may be people who don’t see eye to eye, or who may be under the influence of drugs/alcohol and not in their right minds, causing fights to break out. Someone may become injured...and then what? A lawsuit? Suddenly everything you worked so hard to build becomes nothing because of these people who chose to act so ungodly; who got hurt and want to sue the property owner because he has money and they want to get out of him anything they can for their own personal gain. No wonder 1 Timothy 6:10 warns that the love of money is the root of all evil.

People are so sue happy now days it is absolutely sickening. Just recently our church was attempted to be sued by someone they were helping. Just because you are a Christian/good person, doesn’t mean others are. Often non-christians are out to destroy Christians…the bible even warns that "good will be seen as evil and evil as good"; and Joel is a prime example of this. Joel may be a millionaire, but does that make him a bad person? How does that make him less of a Christian? Joel has used his money to build a very large church that can hold up to 16,800 people. That’s 16,800 opportunities to spread the word of God and preach healing. He used his money to be a blessing to others by spreading the word of God, to heal, and lead people to salvation. All of that could have ended in a blink of an eye , all it takes is one person set out to destroy someone...and the world is FULL OF THEM! I have no doubt Joel was faced with a very difficult decision that day. I have no doubt that he prayed about it, lost sleep over it, and probably questioned himself a hundred times if he was making the right decision or not. 

Regardless of what he chose to do, he would have been criticized by mankind either way….much like our president is today. Romans 8:31 says “as long as you know that God is for you, it doesn’t matter who is against you.” So the question is, do you listen to the demands of man, or do you pray about it, asking God to lead you to make the right decision? The bible doesn’t say to trust man. The bible says over and over to love man and trust God. Psalm 118:8 says “it is better to trust in the Lord than to put confidence in man”. Joel obviously did not seem like the"perfect christian", and just like any human, he’s not always going to be able to help everyone. I think that this, and our current situation with COVID-19, should be a reminder not to judge people for the choices they have to make....especially when you don’t know the options they had to choose from. PRAY for our leaders, for our pastors, for our doctors…they need it more now than ever before.

I by no means am trying to portray myself to be a perfect Christian either, and I certainly hope no one reading this is assuming that I think that I am. I love Jesus…but I cuss a little, or a lot (depending on who’s judging me). I know that I am not perfect, and that is why I need Jesus. Matter of fact, there is no such thing as a perfect Christian….anyone who claims to be is a hypocrite. Romans 3:23 says “for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” There is not a single person alive who has not disobeyed one of the 10 commandments…and just when you think that you have been following them all, James 4:17 says “it is a sin to know what you ought to do, and then not do it”. BOOM. I bet every person proclaiming to be perfect now realizes they aren’t. If not, how about 2 Timothy 3:1-5? It says “in the last days there will come times of difficulty. For people will be lovers of self, lovers of money, proud, arrogant, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, heartless, unappeasable, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not loving good, treacherous, reckless, swollen with conceit, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having the appearance of godliness, but denying its power”. THAT pretty much sums up all of mankind!! So, if NO ONE is perfect, and everyone falls short of the glory of God…then why do non-christians ridicule Christians so much?

I’m always hearing people say “I don’t go to church because it’s full of hypocrites”. Is church not a place made for sinners to go to be saved? I think the problem is that there are a lot of false Christians out there who have created a misconception of what church is. People assume it’s a place with a pedestal for perfect Christians to go and worship God. Don’t let these false Christians stop you from your own salvation. 1 John 2:1 says “your salvation can be lost because of something you do, or don’t do.” You will be surprised to learn about some of God’s chosen people in the bible. Jacob was a cheater, Peter had a temper, David had an affair, Noah was a drunk, Jonah ran from God, Paul was a murderer, Sara was impatient, not trusting God would give to her what he promised….yet, God blessed them all. 1 Corinthians 1:229 says “God doesn’t call the qualified, he qualifies the called". If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). To repent is to seek forgiveness and do better (not keep repeating the same sins). Romans 8:38 says “you are not defined by your mistakes; you are defined by God. He loves you know matter what". Read that again. NO-MATTER-WHAT. 

It may be really hard and uncomfortable going somewhere where you feel judged, or not good enough…but remember to whom you belong. The church was originally designed for sinners. Are you going for man, or for God? 1 Corinthians 10:31 says “whatever you do, do it all for the Glory of God.” Just know that a church full of “perfect” Christians is not a church for God, but of man. Who says you have to go to church anyway? There is nothing in the bible that says to be a Christian you have to go to church. It says to be the church. Set an example by acting Christ like. Talking crap on so and so because they are prettier, smarter, or more successful than you definitely isn’t very Christian like. Sadly, I know a lot of “Christians” like this. No wonder envy is a sin…it truly rules and ruins so many peoples lives. How about instead of feeling in competition with your “neighbor”, or your child’s friends mom, wishing that they’d fail so you would look like the better person, that you pray for them?

Despite how you feel toward christians, I guarantee that MOST Christians pray for you during your struggle, without you even knowing it. They are rooting for you, praying healing and peace over you. I can’t even count how many people and/or strangers I have prayed for in my lifetime…it’s kind of the human thing to do (to want others to be well and succeed). Some of these “hypocrite Christians” (like Joel the millionaire) have prayed endlessly about all that they have now. I know for myself, and my family, we have sacrificed so much to be where we are today. Athletically talented people train night and day to be where they are… yet they are criticized, torn down as if they assume that they are “better” than everyone else because of their achievements. God gave them the talent, and they chose to use it to the fullest. If they are rooting for you, then why is it so hard for you to be happy about their accomplishments?

Being a Christian is hard. It certainly is not popular. You are talked bad about, called hypocrites because of the actions of some “false Christians" (as if we’re all the same). But the bible says "pray for those who mistreat you. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written, it is mine to avenge, I will repay says the Lord". I think that’s what man must mean by “karma”. Matthew 6:14-15 says “if you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly father will forgive you. But if you refuse to forgive others, your father will not forgive your sins.” And Leviticus 19:18 says "do not seek revenge or bear a grudge against anyone among your people, but love your neighbor as yourself.

Maybe you aren’t sure if there is a God; let me say this….if you have never read the bible, Matthew, Mark and Luke are some of the many chapters who repeat themselves….telling the same story, but in different words. Is this not proof that Jesus existed? Multiple people are retelling the same stories of what they heard/saw. Some of the stories in the bible are hard to believe…Jonah was swallowed by a whale and survived? Moses parted the red sea after following instructions from God to flee the Egyptians? Jesus, a healer and peacemaker, was so hated that he was crucified on a cross and rose from the dead on the third day…just as he said he would!?! All of that sounds like someone drank a little too much wine; but, since it is repeated throughout the bible by different people who witnessed it, is that not proof that it happened? I personally would rather live my life believing there is a God only to find out that there isn’t, than to live life as if there isn’t, and die to find out there is. Hebrew 11:6 says “without faith it is impossible to please God because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him.”...and John 20:29 says “blessed are those who have not seen, and have believed.”

What our nation needs right now is for Christians and non-christians to come together and be in peace with one another, not judging, but lifting each other up. If your neighbor doesn’t have toilet paper, give them a roll or two. Perhaps you have fallen on hard times and can’t help out anyone financially…you don’t have to have money to be a blessing to someone. If someone thinks otherwise, maybe they aren’t worthy of your help. But who are we to decide who is worthy and who is not worthy?

As an imperfect Christian, the first time I saw someone wearing pajamas to church, appearing to be on some sort of drugs, I was taken back. I was sitting in church staring and judging these people, thinking did you even try to be presentable? Immediately I asked God to forgive me of my thoughts. Who am I to be sitting in church judging these people? What if those people were homeless and the only clothes they had were the dirty looking pajamas they had on? Do you think Jesus would have singled them out in the crowd he was preaching to and say “you, in the pajamas, you aren’t worthy of my preaching because you aren’t dressed appropriately, go, leave now!”…absolutely not! I guaranteed he would have called them to him and helped them. I can’t say with 100% certainly that these people were under the influence of drugs, but it certainly appeared that way (based on their appearance and movements). But who am I to judge? Are these not the people who need God the most? Aren’t these the people we should be calling to church and praying for the most…rooting for them in their recovery?

I, as an imperfect Christian, have also really struggled with homosexuality. I find it gross, and as a former Baptist, I was raised that it is wrong. Now days, I know quite a few of these people, and all of them are genuine, nice people. I have really wrestled with my beliefs, feeling should I befriend these people because they aren’t living a lifestyle that I can approve of? After all, 1 Corinthians 15:33 says “do not be misled, bad company corrupts good character”….bad company? Some of these people were some of the kindest, most selfless people I have ever met in my life...better than many “false Christians” that I know! Perhaps my feelings are because of how I was raised. So I decided to turn to the bible myself. I wanted to know what the bible really said. Yes, in the Old Testament there was stoning of these people; but, that was before Jesus came to die on the cross for our sins. What I did find in the bible was this “do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you”. So who am I to judge? My husband said it to me best…if it was your son, would you stop loving him because he was gay? And my answer? Absolutely not! Honestly, I don’t know how anyone could disown their own child! Yes, you can be extremely disappointed in them, but, real love doesn’t just stop. But really, who are we to judge? We are not God.

At judgment God isn’t going to ask you to account for the sins of others, he’s going to ask you about the life that YOU lived and the sins YOU committed. I know that daily I am trying to become a better person than I was yesterday, and sometimes that includes letting people go who are holding you back, or are a bad influence. I feel that everyone comes into our lives for a reason, to teach us a lesson, or guide us a long the way, to help us live the life that was chosen for us...but not everyone is meant to stay.

I have definetly grown so much as a Christian over the last 10 years…and I don’t need anyone’s approval or applause for that. But being a Christian is hard, and certainly not popular. But I have to remind myself daily, whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God. I have turned away from so many people because of their constant gossip, or because they never have anything good to say about anyone, or anything….or from some who's life style I just don't want for myself or my family. I certainly don’t feel I am any better than any of these people, and I definitely don’t feel any bad feelings or hate in my heart toward them…I just know the person I am trying to become (for myself), and it’s hard to become that person when constantly tempted. It is so easy to jump in and talk down on someone...especially if you are mad at them….and sometimes (like at work) it is so hard to avoid!!

Just remember, there is NO such thing as a perfect Christian (we are all human). Matthew 11:28 says "even the strongest of us have moments when the burdens of life seem too great. It's then that the Lord whispers comes to me all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." NEVER stop praying!! Pray not only for your friends/family, but for your enemies, leaders, teachers, preachers, those who wish for you to fail. The greatest commandments in the bible are “love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind” and “love your neighbor as yourself”. So, even if our president “isn’t your president”…he is technically your neighbor/brother in Gods eyes. Even if you don’t claim to be a Christian, it costs NOTHING to be a decent human being. If you feel singled out or offended by anything I have to say, perhaps that is God asking you to reevaluate the life you are living. After all, there is a reason we are plagued with a pandemic right now. Maybe this is God’s way of slowing life down so people have time to think, to reconnect, to reach out to him, to repent, to spend time with those who were meant to matter (a.k.a your family) that have been pushed aside because you are too busy chasing money and following idols. Coincidence? I think not. And just remember, before you judge others (good people or bad)…remember that it is a sin to judge and hold others lower than you. No one owes anyone an explanation for their actions, or to account for the actions of other Christians. Remember to whom you belong. Leave it to God. Be in peace, living your own life. Do not concern yourself with the life of others…it is not the life God has created for you. Strive to become all that God created YOU to be.

P.S....i' m totally in love with this song! <3

https://youtu.be/8f1hiY-cciM

Not What You're Expecting

My oldest son turned seven yesterday, April 3^rd….that doesn’t even seem possible!! I remember when I was a kid the years always seemed so long and now they are so short; they are flying by so fast! I remember when I was about his age (maybe a little older), I would pray to God for a baby, (in the most innocent way). I would ask God to place the baby on our front porch, and I promised to take very good care of her…yes HER. I made sure God knew I only wanted a girl baby, NO BOYS!!

In 2012, I became pregnant with my first child. Despite all of my childhood prayers, I was really hoping for a boy. If I could only have one child, I hoped it was a son to play catch with, and go fishing, and do all the outdoor things that I enjoyed doing with my dad and brother. If I had more than one child, I wanted a son first to be a protector over his future sister. During my pregnancy I never prayed to God about the sex of my child because that didn’t really matter, but daily I prayed over the health of my child. I made sure I let God know that I didn’t care if it was a boy or girl, as long as they were healthy. But, I had one small request…and it was kind of a joke (that I will joke about for the rest of my life). My ONLY request was that my child did NOT have red hair!! On April 03, 2013, after 39 weeks of a miserable pregnancy, we welcomed our first son, Jerrick Anthony. He was 9lbs, 1.5 oz and healthy! For this child I have prayed and the Lord granted the desires of my heart. (1 Samuel 1:27)

Jerrick was a super easy going, passive baby. He had the biggest eyes and was always smiling. Since 6 weeks old, he slept through the night; I was honestly on cloud nine…he was perfect! It took almost a year before he had any teeth, or hair…but when he did, thankfully it wasn’t red! His hair wasn’t red, but it was ORANGE!! I laughed thinking this was some joke from my late father. My dad passed away unexpectedly in 2011, 13 days after turning 49. We always joked around about “gingers” and here was my son…a ginger! Between 2012-2019 seven grandsons were born between my siblings…3 of them with orange hair!! Ironically, my brothers step daughter has orange hair too…if that’s not a sign that it was meant to be between my brother and his wife I don’t know what is!

Jerrick was a BIG baby! Up until the age of 2 he was always in the 90^tth percentile. I was relieved because I am only 5’1". Most of the men on my dad’s side of the family are small, 5’10”, or less, and thin, but muscular; (for reference, when my dad passed away, he was 5’10ish, wore size 30/30 jeans and 8 shoe). I really did not want my son to be petite…because let’s be honest, who wants to date a guy smaller than them? I also feared my son being bullied if he was small, especially having "red" hair. I was relieved that my son clearly took after my husband’s family. He was a big boy, and so adorable!!

Fast forward to 2020, Jerrick is a total Lemens!! There is no doubt he takes after my dad’s side of the family. He looks like a Lemens and is SO PETITE; how did that happen!?!  Today, at 7 yrs old, he is 46.5 lbs and 45.5” tall. He only wears size 12 shoe, and has the tiniest teeth I’ve ever seen (he hasn’t even lost a tooth yet!) It’s as if he became everything I hoped he wouldn’t be; BUT, I wouldn’t change my little ginger for ANYTHING! My only hope in life now is that as he grows up, the world will see him for all that he is on the inside; that future girls won’t be like me (not giving him a chance because he is a petite ginger). Man, what kind of person was I? Not willing to give someone a chance because they weren’t what I visioned in my head. I hope that Jerrick is seen as the humble, sweet, passive, funny guy that he is…he is seriously such a great kid. He definitely has his father’s personality!  I have no doubt in my mind that God chose me to be Jerrick’s mom for a reason; to teach me what really matters, to help me become humble, and not base my opinion on outward things. 1Samuel 16:7 says “do not consider his appearance or his height; the Lord does not look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart”. Thank you Lord for blessing me with a child with a heart of gold, to teach me of your will, and humble my heart. Thank you for blessing me with exactly what I needed, and not what I thought I wanted. I am truly blessed.

Jerrick wasn’t even two yet, but I was totally ready for another baby!! We agreed we were going to have just two kids. At the time, I was home alone a lot; but, I had two hands…so 2 kids was perfect, I could totally handle it on my own when I had to! In December 2014 I became pregnant again. I was so excited. I was careful not to make any requests (but the bible says God knows the desires of your heart). I was secretly hoping for a daughter. I loved being a boy mom, but I wanted to experience all the joys of a daughter too. We were going to be that “all American family; a family of 4, a son and a daughter…it sounded so perfect!! We eventually had an ultra sound and learned that we were expecting a BOY!! I know some parents who express disappointment when the sex of their child wasn’t what they wanted. I want to be very clear there was never a second of disappointment. I was planning to have a tubal litigation, (although people tried to convince me otherwise), saying what if you decide to try again for a girl; after all, I was only 25. But I didn’t care, we agreed on two kids and I was perfectly happy having another son. What a blessing that my son will have a brother, and hopefully a life long best friend. I prayed over my unborn sons health daily, and petitioned God for an inseparable bond between my boys. I was totally ready to rock this boy mom life; bring-it-on!

For any of you who don’t know what it’s like to be a boy mom it means being outside 24/7, not necessarily because they want to be…but because they have SO MUCH energy that needs to be burned!! It’s endless play in the dirt. It’s all things bugs, worms, dinosaurs, and fast cars…endless hours of legos, and every conversation involves something about a video game, or something slightly inappropriate. It’s sports all year long (even out of season), and lots of talk about poop, farts and “ding dongs”. No matter how hard you try to make it stop, there will always be some sort of inappropriate talk or touching of their private parts (I type this as my son runs around with a balloon sticking out of his butt). It’s seriously NEVER ending!! It can be exhausting; but, they are also so good to their mama, and not at all sassy. I love being a boy mom…and how lucky am I to be blessed with two sons!

On September 21, 2015, at 39 weeks, our second son, Camden Tyler, was born weighing 9 lbs, 7.3 oz. He was PERFECT, literally! I have never heard of an APGAR test, but our doctor was boasting about how Camden scored a perfect ten, stating he has maybe only one baby score that high every 1-2 years. I am naturally competitive, so I was on cloud nine.  I vowed to raise this son exactly like my last one, and to treat them exactly the same. 

Okay, so Camden is not Jerrick. He was a VERY clingy baby. If he didn’t see me he cried…like literally, if he didn’t smell me he cried. It took 8 weeks, but at least he was sleeping through the night, in his own crib. As long as he was getting plenty of attention he was happy, and he was getting plenty of it from his 2 yr old brother. Cam had dirty blonde hair and piercing blue eyes; exactly what I envisioned Jerrick would look like! God, thank you for blessing me with two handsome, and healthy children…I pray that you continue to grow their bond, and that it is inseparable.

Fast forward. By the time Camden was 2 ½ he was diagnosed with asthma and it was out of control most of the time. He also appeared to have an intolerance, or allergy, to eggs. Most days Camden was on Zyrtec, Singulair, albuterol and for a short time pulmicort. He eventually started having absence seizures. This didn't happen until after he began pulmicort, but the doctors didn’t feel the connection was related, stating it's not a listed side effect; (however, other mom blogs on google were telling me different). The risk was far greater taking him off of this inhaled steroid, verse keeping him on it; but, eventually, against doctor recommendations, I began weening him off of it. Throughout his 2 short years of life he not only was diagnosed with asthma, but he had had pneumonia, multiple ear and sinus infections and his first set of tubes in his ears. He went through several rounds of steroid shots trying to control it all (no wonder he is so big, perhaps it’s finally catching up to him!) By age 3 he had allergy and epilepsy testing….by the grace of God they both showed nothing, which was actually frustrating! Umm God, hello? I am exhausted down here. But, I NEVER stopped praying over the health of my children and God answered my prayers. Camden is now 4 ½ and hasn’t had any seizures since he stopped pulmicort. He no longer has an egg intolerance and magically his asthma is so controlled he hasn’t had a treatment in at least 6 months! Just last month he was diagnosed with influenza B. To be honest, I was worried given his history (I do not give my kids the flu shot because I feel it's ineffective)...but I knew he was higher risk for getting pneumonia again. But Proverbs 3:5-6 says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart”; so instead of worrying, I prayed over him continuously, trusting God to protect him from this virus that can wreak havoc, and after 2 short days he was 100% healed and as hyper as ever! God is truly an unfailing God and I am so blessed.

Cams toddler years (long story short I SURVIVED), were so trying! When he was 1-2 years old he purposely would over flow the toilets…this happened at least 3 times. If you read my last blog, part of that postpartum depression came from exhaustion from trying to control this strong willed, wild child, and all the health problems that developed with him. He is my Mr. independent, no wonder he potty trained so fast! He is so sneaky and hyper!! We literally only buy sugar free juice and popsicles because he just can't handle sugar…he’s like a wild bull in an antique store. Just the other day I caught him dressed as spiderman attempting to jump from his bunk bed. If you tell him not to do something you better believe that he is going to do it! Last fall, his preschool traced him and asked him to draw himself (eyes, nose, mouth, etc)….I don't think his teachers were prepared to see that he drew a foot long “ding dong”…let me remind you, he's four! Pray for me!! Oh Cam, he is something special. Somehow he brings me great joy, although at times he makes me lose my mind. I am seriously always laughing because of him. Teachers watch out…here comes your class clown! Most days I "live in fear" wondering what will come out of his mouth. He is currently obsessed with the word fat...I am really hoping that this too shall pass. He is also so rough. I don’t think he realizes how big he is. For reference, he’s 1 pound heavier, and 2” shorter than his 7 yr old brother! Just the other day he said “Hey Jerrick”…and when Jerrick turned Cam punched him right in the stomach. Where does this behavior come from?!?  It doesn’t matter how I discipline him…Camden is so ornery, and I think he loves being in trouble! I am a little worried about Camden starting school. At Jerrick's parent teacher meeting last year, we were in the library (the librarian being a bigger woman), and as we were leaving, Camden said “bye big butt”!! Oh-M-Gee, I’m dying!! Thankfully she didn’t understand him because she asked “what sweety”? Nothing I said covering his mouth and pushing him out the door...there was nothing sweet about that and certainly didn't need repeated!!  Jerrick’s teachers have all boasted to me about his behavior and I am worried what they will think of Camden. I have completely exhausted myself as far as my mom tricks go. I have tried all forms of discipline and I have accepted the fact that this child is just wild and cannot be tamed! I finally decided to give up and turn to God. After all, Mark11:24 says “therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours”.  I started praying for obedience over Cam when he was about 3 1/2 or so, asking that he would become disciplined. Ironically when he turned 4 he became this sweet little “angel”. He is still so ornery, but he is so sweet! His preschool teachers have even complimented me several times on the change in his behavior…what a relief!! All it took to make this change happen was giving up and giving it to God! WHY do I always wait until I reach rock bottom to give it to God?!?

Camden is exactly what I didn’t know I needed! He has taught me SO much patience…the #1 thing I lacked before! He's taught me not to sweat the little things. Before Cam, I cleaned up my house EVERY night…now I know it will just be destroyed again tomorrow, so I can go to bed in peace knowing that there is a mess and it’s “okay”. I never use to let Jerrick wear character clothes or light up shoes simply because I didn't like it (he honestly never expressed wanting to anyway). My superhero obsessed Cam almost always wears character light up shoes and clothes, and he rocks them! There have even been times Camden has worn costumes in public, when it wasn’t Halloween! I have learned some battles aren’t worth fighting and childhood imagination is so short lived! He taught me that materialistic things don’t matter and laughter is the best medicine. My children are so opposite; but, they are always exactly what I need. What a reminder that God knows exactly what we need, without us even knowing it. God thank you for blessing me with exactly what I needed, and not what I thought I wanted. Thank you for giving me the wisdom to reflect back on it, to realize, and learn through it all.

Being a boy mom of two or more boys is different than having one son. It is a WWE match around here 24/7. Something is ALWAYS breaking!! It’s twice the dirt and inappropriate talk…I am convinced you cannot take the orneriness out of little boys. For example, A few months ago my oldest son was singing the song Baby Got Back, saying "I like big butts and I cannot lie"; my husband told him to knock it off and asked him where he learned that song...any guesses his response? JESUS...yes...he blamed Jesus for teaching him about big booty girls. I think that just proves that it doesn't matter how boys are raised, they're just born ornery!! I absolutely love being a boy mom though. It is by far the hardest and most rewarding job out there, no doubt!

At times I can’t help but feel guilt. Do men ever experience this, or is it just a mom thing? How is it my kids are so different, yet I raised them exactly the same? Did I spend too much time on Jerrick and not enough time on Cam? People would always joke around when my boys were 1 & 3, and 2 & 4 yrs old that I “favored” Jerrick….I of course always denied it because I certainly didn’t feel that way in my heart. Jerrick was just older and did more so I always had more to say about him. I know what favoritism looks like and I vow to never do that, it’s awful! I love both of my boys equally, but differently…differently because they are oh so different!! My little Camden requires so much discipline and supervision, he cannot be trusted!! Jerrick is so obedient. He absolutely hates being in trouble and is such a passive, easy going kid. I laugh typing this, because having Jerrick made me boast and then having Cam was like a smack in the face, which made me humble. Lesson learned God, thanks. But, sometimes I cant help but wonder if I failed Cam somewhere. A couple weeks ago, my husband was going over number flash cards with him and asked him what the #11 was. Without hesitation Cam said “that’s pause!” FAIL! He is so silly! I honestly can’t tell if he’s kidding or being serious! I’m thankful his birthday falls late because I definitely don’t feel he is ready to start school in the fall. God knew he wouldn’t be ready, so no wonder he was born after the cut off….he will be nearly 6 when he finally starts, and I feel that's needed. At this age, Jerrick knew all of his numbers, letters and their sound. He started school at 5 and already knew how to spell his first and last name. Camden FINALLY learned how to spell his first name, and well, we are still working on everything else. At age 4, Jerrick was playing soccer, basketball and youth coach pitch baseball…and he was good at it! Ever since J was 2, we got compliments on how straight he threw and I never understood it…but having Cam, now I get it! My LEFTY Cam cant throw a ball for the life of him; it goes straight down, about 2 feet in front of him. He can’t kick a ball without hopping…where did I go wrong? Did I fail my son? I tried so hard to train and raise him the same as J, but they are obviously so different. Camden has no care in the world. If you try to correct him he’s done. He is a strong willed, free spirit. Maybe sports wont be his thing, although he’s finally showing interest. Maybe he’s just a late bloomer…or maybe he just wont be athletic. Although i'm currently comparing him to his brother, I want him to know not to compare himself to others, especially his brother! Jerrick was born with a natural athletic gift, and although it comes easy to him, it doesn’t give Cam an excuse not to try. He can become a great athlete one day if he wants to, but he may have to train and try a lot harder to get there. There is no doubt in my mind that Camden would make a good wrestler, or monster truck driver…he is crazy!! 

 2 Corinthians 6:17 says “why work so hard to fit in when you were called to be set apart?” THAT is my confirmation that there is no need to compare my sons. Despite the fact I feel I have raised them the same, Cam was not born to be a shadow of his brother…and I certainly do not want him to be!! I hope others don’t try to compare them, because they were born to be different and are both perfect in their own ways. If I can succeed at teaching my boys anything in life, it would be that it’s okay to be different; what’s not okay is envy and trying to become something or someone they’re not. 

Sometimes in life we become so focused on trying to follow, or become like others (popular, rich, etc.) that we lose track of who God created us to be. The person you’re supposed to follow is God, no one else. When you find yourself envying someone else’s life, STOP, and realize that what you are going through at this very moment is Gods way of shaping you into who you’re meant to be. When life is out of your control, instead of questioning “God why”, trying saying God I know this is your will, help me through it. Thank him during the trial, it usually is a test of faith. Thank God for blessing you with what you didn’t know you needed and help lead you to become all that you are called to be. 1Thessalonians 5:18 says “in everything give thanks, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.” Thank God through the trials and know that where you are at in this very moment is exactly where God intends for you to be. Be open to receiving the message he is trying to teach you. One day you will look back and it will all make sense. Until then, trust the person who created you to lead you.

I'm sure this blog probably wasn’t what you were expecting…but I guess that's life!